Crazy ‘Mugabe’ quotes that will leave you rolling on the ground with laughter

Ladies, don’t be deceived by a man who text you “I miss you” only when it’s cold or raining....you are neither an umbrella nor a jacket Photo: Courtesy

There is never a dull day in Zimbabwe, so long as Robert Mugabe, who always have a way with words, remains the president, or so social media would have you believe. When it comes to quotable quotes, not even legendary author and humorist Mark Twain and other greats like Albert Einstein, Winston Churchill or Mahatma Ghandi have anything on him. Doubting? Sample the following latest funny quotes attributed to the Zimbabwean president.

“In Africa, the only warning they take seriously is ‘low battery’.” “Zimbabweans, let us respect pregnant women for it is not easy to carry around evidence of sex in public.” “Girls, learn to take care of yourselves. Some men will use you, use your body, ruin your reputation and then marry a beautiful woman and get born again. And as if that is not enough, use you as testimony in church.”

“We are living in a generation where people ‘in love’ are free to touch each other’s private parts, but are not allowed to touch each other’s phones because they are private.” “Nothing makes a woman more confused than being in a relationship with a broke man who is extremely good in bed.” “The only thing that scares me about marriage is that you have to wake up earlier on the wedding day.” “No matter how men shake their ‘thing’ after urinating, the last drop is always reserved for the boxers.”

“Ladies, don’t be deceived by a man who text you “I miss you” only when it’s cold or raining....you are neither an umbrella nor a jacket.” “Kenyans are good runners because corruption is always chasing them.” “We are all born mad, but some decides to remain so.” “The size of a socialite’s backside is indirectly proportional to the size of her brain.”

“Whenever things seem to start going well in your life, the devil always comes along and gives you a ‘girlfriend’.” “I stopped trusting women when my class three girlfriend left me for another boy, all because he bought a sharpener with a mirror.”

“Witchcraft is when a 24-year-old girl who cannot jog for five minutes expects a 40-year-old man to last for an hour in action.” “If you are a married man and you find yourself attracted to school girls, just buy your wife a school uniform.” “Virginity is the best wedding gift any man would receive from his newly wed wife but lately, there’s nothing as such any-longer because it’ll have already been given out as a Birthday gift, token of Appreciation, Job assurance, Church collection, Examination marking schemes and for Lorry fares!” “Cigarette is a pinch of tobacco rolled in a piece of paper with fire on one end and a fool on the other end.” “For a woman with beauty without brains, it’s her private parts that suffer.”

TOP TEN LEADERSHIP QUOTES.

Leadership.

“Good leaders grow ideas rather than cut them down. They think of ideas as raw material rather than finished products.” ~ Alan Zimmerman (see article below)

Real leaders encourage the people around them to do their best work. They don't tread on others, they nurture them.

“Great leaders are almost always great simplifiers, who can cut through argument, debate, and doubt to offer a solution everybody can understand.” ~ Colin Powell

A real leader perceives the situation as it is, without blinkers, and in alignment with their inner knowing. Their solutions are therefore practical and authentic, not just intellectual - it's very clear what needs to be done.

“The very essence of leadership is that you have to have vision. You can't blow an uncertain trumpet.” ~ Theodore M. Hesburgh

If you can see where the path ahead leads, and you believe that is for the greater good, then there is no need for doubts.

“To lead people, walk beside them. As for the best leaders, the people do not notice their existence. The next best, the people honor and praise. The next, the people fear; and the next, the people hate. When the best leader's work is done the people say, 'We did it ourselves!' ” ~ Lao-tsu

Transformational leaders communicate a convincing vision of what they aspire to achieve, which stimulates their group to think independently and desire to achieve these aims for themselves.

“If your actions inspire others to do more, to learn more, to dream more or to become more, you are a leader.” ~ John Quincy Adams

Taking a team from ordinary to extraordinary means understanding and embracing the difference between management and leadership. According to Peter Drucker, "Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things." Leadership requires talent and creativity that inspires others, and which appeals to their inner knowing that they are going the right direction. No one should follow blindly; leadership should resonate with each person's inner truth...

Richard Branson's top 10 leadership quotes…"

“A lot of people have gone further than they thought they could because someone else thought they could.”~ Zig Ziglar

“Innovation distinguishes between a leader and a follower.” ~ Steve Jobs

“Tend to the people, and they will tend to the business.” ~ John Maxwell

“Leaders think and talk about the solutions. Followers think and talk about the problems.” ~ Brian Tracy

“The smartest thing I ever did was to hire my weakness.”~ Sara Blakely

“You manage things; you lead people.” ~ Admiral Grace Murray Hopper

“Leadership is the art of giving people a platform for spreading ideas that work.” ~ Seth Godin

“Leadership is the capacity to translate vision into reality.” ~ Warren Bennis

“Great leaders are almost always great simplifiers, who can cut through argument, debate and doubt to offer a solution everybody can understand.” ~ Colin Powell

“Leadership is the ability to hide your panic from others.”~ Lao Tuz

Avoid a Life Forged From Fear.

Nelson Mandela could have been talking to you and me directly when he said:

“May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.”

I've always been instinctively allergic to making decisions out of fear. I don't know where that comes from, but I'm glad of it.

I believe that if, in life, you are a sculptor crafting a breathing, vital work of universal art then the sweeps and curves of a life shaped by hope would be more beautiful than the acute-angled life forged from fear.

Seeing threat everywhere makes for smaller, diminished lives. Especially if we act on that fear.

A bird can only fly when it opens its wings.

Courage, confidence and calm can be adopted as habits to the point these qualities become part of who you are.

They enable us to live fully, see clearly, enjoy life and dare to tread our own path.

But to attain we need to overcome.

Anxieties, fears and phobias drag us down and slow us down. We've only got so much time to make life into what it could and can be.

Fear begets anger, hate and depression. When we cast off fear and learn to live free of it (at least in its excessive forms) we help the whole human race because as Nelson Mandela also rightly said:

“For to be free is not merely to cast off one’s chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.”

Casting off the chains of fear is its own form of emancipation and helps us love and live better to help the whole world.

The more people live courageously the better for everyone in our world. But we all need help sometimes. And the courage to accept it.